In 5th grade my teacher would force us to make decisions. Instead of the normal, "I don't care" or "I don't know" response we would just have to decide upon something. That school year has been the only time in my life that I have been good at making decisions. At the beginning of the school year it was quite a struggle for me. Why didn't he just understand that I really didn't care and I would be fine with either choice A or choice B? Though, if I was really impartial to both choices, and I would be "happy" with the outcome of both choices, then of course I could just chose one right? So, somewhere in that time I was succesful. I was making my own decisions, and not just about things in my 5th grade class, I was even making decisions in my normal life too!
Why can't I just make decisions?! I seriously even hate making the stupid little decision everyday like, how am I going to do my hair today, what shoes do I wear today, usw. So how am I supposed to easily make the other types of decisions. There are the decisions that are still of no consequence, almost as unimportant as what clothes to wear, but then there are those decisions that are actually for something important!
Decisions that actually effect people besides myself. I hate these types of decisions more than any other choices placed in front of me. Even if its something like should we eat at Taco Bell or Wendys tonight? or should we go bowling or go to a dollar movie? COME ON AIM, these should still be such simple things to decide, you'll probably still all be happy no matter what happens. But what if, what if I accidentally choose something that the other person/people hate. That would crush me. Especially because I'm sure they wouldn't tell me they were unhappy with my decision, they would just be so grateful that I finally decided something. Right? That is so pathetic.
I don't make these choices. I avoid them as often as possible. I don't want to risk picking something that the other part of the party isn't okay with. I know its silly. But. Listen to my plea, if I really am neutral with regards to the options placed in front of me (which I SWEAR is the case 90, okay 75% of the time) then can't YOU please just decide because you are much more likely to have an opinion than I am. And, if you have an opinion, I would MUCH rather do what you want to do. Even if I may have been SLIGHTLY leaning towards one option, I'd rather have YOU completely happy. If you're happy, then I will be happy.
But seriously, I've got some big decisions coming up in my life. And they mostly only affect me. But in the long run they could alter the lives of those most important to me.
1. I turn 21 in just over 6 months. Which means I could start mission papers.... NOW. And, I could have them turned in May 9th. 100 days right? That TOTALLY freaks me out.
2. I've finally declared my major. Linguistics. The plan is to minor in TESOL. But really, what I want to do is speech therapy. With speech therapy you have to get your masters degree. a. Do I REALLY want to put myself through 2 more years of school? b. Where in the world would I go to school to get my masters? At BYU you need about a 3.8. I am NOWHERE near a 3.8 c. Do I minor in ComD? Because maybe that would help me get into the masters program having some experience with it... And, do I get a minor in GERMAN?! I feel like I've taken tons of Deutsch classes and that I'm really close to the minor, but in all honestly I need to take like 5 more classes for it. That's like a whole semester. I know I don't want to forget what I know with German, so my only option may be to take more classes.
3. Do I live in Provo this summer? I had an interview for a job today. I'll find out in the morning if I get it. If I get it then I have to stay this summer. If I don't get it I'm hoping I'll get hired at APX, but I'm sure they would want me to stay for the summer as well. I guess that decision is basically made for me then.
Decisions decisions decision. I wish everything could just be easy. And I wish I could know what I'm supposed to do everyday of my life, to head on the right track for school, for careers, for a mission, for meeting my future husband. But I guess that is why we are placed on this earth isn't it? To try, to go forward with faith that it'll all work out. And we'll fail sometimes. But we'll learn from those mistakes. And we'll go forward again.
Can I just say that I am grateful for agency? I really am. Which brings me to being so grateful that OUR Savior came to this earth for us. Instead of the opposition. Satan wanted to MAKE us all choose the right. That way of course we'd be on the right path, the path we were "supposed" to be on.
I just hope I am choosing the RIGHT. But, I know that the Lord will tell me if I start going too far down the wrong road. Thank goodness.